Teetering

(This is an attempt at a death scene of some sort. It could be a little morbid for some, just some fair warning. Just wanted to try, not in a morbid mood or anything.)

Another seizure wracked my body and I was left with nothing but numbing pain. My mind clouded and I felt myself slip. An eternity later the searing pain and white noise faded to a dull roar and eventually a deep rhythmic thumping that surged with the pulse of my heart.

I was back, though more and more now I wondered why. I kept clinging on but damn it hurt. The pain seemed to be so encompassing now I couldn't even tell where it was originating from. Sometimes the people were there, or I imagined they were, other times it was just pain and struggle.
I took a long shuddering breath. It burned. The rush of oxygen brought my sense back, cleared my vision and dragged me back into the here and now. White hot clear distinct pain shot through me. I would have curled up in a ball and whimpered but my body was far beyond that now.
My mind, that's all I had left now, seemed only capable of processing the ever increasing onslaught of pain. Eventually the white hot knives of pain receded into a dull searing pain that would have bent strong men, but it was still somehow a relief. It was the best I had been for a long time now. I bent my will, dragging dregs of energy out of some deep place where it seemed the pain had not yet managed to rob me of all. I lay, drawing on this faint trickle, pooling it below the surface for a single burst of energy. It took time. I didn't know I had even had anything left to draw from but it seemed there was a little fight left in me yet.
Finally, in a massive surge of energy, I dragged my dry worn eyelids open and let in the insanely painful light. I had no idea what had driven me to do it. I could barely see. The eyes had gone pretty early on in the disease. I could still make out shadows passing across my vision and I could hear the startled staff, and possibly family, excitedly rushing about as if everything was about to change. I would have laughed, smiled even, if I could have. Nothing was going to change. This body would never come back. The mind, though it was still there, would never recover from this. I was done. There was nothing left. I was just teetering now, waiting for my feral instincts, the parts of me that completely ignored my conscious mind, to let me be; to let me slip away.
In these last moments I just wanted to cry. I wanted to let it all out. The frustration, the futility. A lifetime of wasted seconds, fragments of time squandered. I wanted none of these seconds. I wanted it to be over. I didn't want the pain, I was sure I didn't deserve it. I just wanted to let go, I wanted to be able to let go. I wanted to scream. I wanted the pain to stop so badly that had I had the energy I would of torn the last breaths from my own body and ended it.

I felt it coming a moment before it hit and my eyes shut just before the seizure. It was longer than the last. I couldn't breathe. My body fought, god knows where it found the energy to even contract the muscles. Inside I screamed. I had been screaming for ever now. Nothing came out but the forced bursts of air grunting as the involuntary muscle contractions tossed my ravaged body like a rag doll for an agonizing eternity. This would be it. I couldn't possibly recover from this one. I still hadn't taken a breath. My body wouldn't make it. I could barely think through the pain, my mind was clouding again, darkening. The pain didn't ease but I knew this was it, it was the end. The darkness grew and grew. Blackness swallowed me.
I welcomed it.

Nooooo!!! The pain tore me back into this hateful place of misery and endless suffering. Why!! Why, why, why!! I just want to let go. I can't do this any more. I can't do it any more. I don't want to be alive. This is so far from life. I can't do this!! I wont! But of course I am. Why can't I let myself go. Again the deep need to burst into tears rose from a place I can't even describe. I just wanted it all to stop, for everything to end. There was nothing left of me, nothing worth holding on to.

Holding on.

Ah.
I am sorry my love. It was the pain. I am sorry. I can still feel you. The pressure of your hand. I know you want me to hold on but sometimes it is so hard. The pain makes me forget you. I never want to forget you. I am sorry.

Why we wander

Moments are valuable and five days is a lifetime.

We were tired. It's such a plain word. Tired.

We weren't really exhausted, not in any one sense. Not physically, not really mentally either, but damn we were tired. Bone deep. every moment was like swimming through porridge.

It's not just work. Oh, work can be tough, but by itself, it's just work. It's the rhythm of the streets. The tension, the lack of communication. It's the undesired whispers; the furtive glances. It's the absence of a place where all you feel is you; a haven where you can strip off the fettered tatters of this thing they call a society and be yourself. Without it, midst the monotony and mindlessness, the tiredness just seeps in until you can barely remember what you looked like.

5 days away from that, five days of nothing, of everything, it's beyond value.

We left on a Saturday. We didn't plan.

We wanted the beach and no one, nothing. Somewhere where no one knew us and everyone would wonder why we were there. We took photos of things but we didn't go to look for things to take photos of. The difference is important. We wandered.

Ah, wandering. It is something that just fills me. I want to bring it to my daily life. That feeling, that intention, or lack thereof. Walk forward, keep your eyes open, curious and wide eyed. Not hoping for anything, no expectations. I think you see more. You definitely feel more.

There were smiles. There were open roads. There was verdant green and soaring kites. Fish leaped from the water to flop gracelessly against the ripples of the cloudy bay. We got up, we read, we stared out over the waters and we napped. We found places that sold food and we ate it.

There was a cheap hotel. The bed springs had gone. The owner called a friend to translate that we should eat and drink what ever he offered because we had traveled far. There was no one else in the hotel. He watched the world cup all night. We slept with smiles on our faces.

Five days.

I want it to be a lifetime but oh how glorious those five days were!!

Ephemerality

Ephemerality

I haven't decided yet. The flowers are beautiful. The oh so slightly delicate pink, the softness; that's nice. But what is Hanami now?

We live on Sakura dori, literally cherry tree street. Every morning for almost two solid weeks as you stepped forth onto the balcony an explosion of white, with just the slightest hint of pink, would transform even the most stoic Monday frown into a pleasant smile. Yes, I can see why the cherry blossoms bring people from through out the world but there is always more. On Sunday I went to Yoyogi park for my first official Hanami (cherry blossom viewing). I went in with a myriad of ideas. The history of the celebration, the finding beauty in the moment, the transient nature of life. These were the lofty ideals that were spoken of, that supposedly founded the modern tradition. On the other hand, one can't help but hear the stories of today. The drunkenness, the revelry, the insanity and the filth. It created a dichotomy in my mind. A confusing state of affairs.

The whole day, as it turned out, was in fact just that. It was a strange dichotomy. A duality. Perhaps it is the future of the Hanami, a celebration of beauty and depravity. The sight, over the beautiful lake, through a mass of flowers and recently budded maples, was breathtaking; from chest height up. The park was devastated below the waste. The grass was trampled and the now muddy soil was scattered with broken bottles, empty food packets and crows picking the bones of what was left of the night before. There were showers of petals, drifting down among us as we laughed and drank, sharing our space with all. And there were floods of people, shoulder to shoulder, carting boxes of alcohol and laughing like hyenas as they trampled what little green was left in the once resplended park. I had a wonderful time. I laughed, I drank, I ate and I was merry. And I wept for the park too, for the loss of conscientiousness I so willingly, even eagerly became a part of. Is it wrong, to let go, to immerse yourself in both beauty and depravity at the same time? Is it depraved? This excess, this insanity?

 I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Words within another world

I am trying to find the space to write.It's not a physical space though, it's a space within me. I know it exists, I have been there many times before but for some time now it has eluded me. No more. I am here now, this is the world I live in, the world I chose and it is up to me to to find a way to adapt. I need to find the words that meet the requirements of the world I am in.So, with no further ado I embark upon a mission to recapture the lost moments, the hidden words, that have lain just beyond my grasp. From this Sunday onward I plan to embark on a journey that shall change who I have been for the better. I will take a large step towards something I have always believed in but never been brave enough to achieve. I will live my life as a writer.

Let me tell you a little of what this will entail and why I have chosen to publish it in JAM. Living my life as a writer does not mean locking myself in a room ad writing. Yes, there is a lot in my head; characters, scenes, magic systems and more but being a writer, for myself, is more about exploration. When I wright I am drawing from everything around me and it changes the way you look at everything. Just think about it. You are walking down a street in Tokyo. Bright neon lights. A myriad of people and movement. Strange sounds and sights. The smells that assail your nose. If you open your eyes and mind, as a writer (perhaps as a traveler) suddenly these images become a thousand possible stories. Possible dramas unfold from the way the darkly clad youth leaning against the brick wall casually, perhaps trying to look nonchalant, slowly puffs at his cigarettes. You catch him glance momentarily at the briefcase carrying woman and he eases himself off the wall in pursuit. The story begins.

If you open your writers mind suddenly the true potential of a place you are in, your new world, leaps into reality. Think of walking down that road near that temple that is just round the corner from your house (I live in Japan so that's actually something that is real). The temple is just across from a seven eleven on a pretty major street, so it kinda takes away the glamour a little, or it would. If you open up your writers mind, what I hope will soon simply become my mind, then it is the easiest thing to strip away the sounds of traffic. Tear up the pavement and leave the trodden earth and cart tracks. The houses fall away expanding the small garden into the vast area it once was, clean shaven monks tending the crops in the rice paddies below. In a moment you are transported to a whole new world and it can be the smallest thing that can trigger the moment. A piece of broken pottery almost entirely obscured by dirt and moss. Or the first blossoms of on the ancient cherry tree by the entrance way. It could be anything, it's just a matter of not being afraid of your flights of fancy and letting the writer within become you. I think, and it is a hope I have fostered since high school, when I wanted nothing more than to be a traveling story teller, that if we allowed ourselves to let our imaginations run free more, let our internal writers become more of us than we do, then perhaps hope would return to this world.

Slip sliding away

So it’s been a long time since I last wrote in this blog and much has happened. First, I did Nanowrimo. As always it was a serious challenge and though I am far from happy with what I wrote I really think there is a story there, and a pretty good one so I am determined this time to work on it on a weekly basis. I plan on getting at least one, preferably two, sessions in every single week. With luck I will have a workable draft by the time the next Nanonwrimo comes round. The story, for those who I haven’t already told, is a pretty basic one. A world torn in two by fear and prejudice, a hero arises, fixes just about everything and ya. Finished. But I really like many aspects of the world and its system of magic. Some of the characters I have pretty well fleshed out but others, not so much. Still, I can feel it there, a decent book that I would be interested enough to read myself so I want to keep on chiseling the surface until its form is revealed.

Anyway, enough about me, on to the adventures in Japan. This week had two big highlights…or big things. The first was the snow. The first fall was a delight and since then it has been fun fun and more fun. Just about no one here likes the snow, and watching the cars trying to stop on the roads covered in compacted snow, I can see why, but it’s still glorious. The white that blankets the world is just so beautiful. It’s like been smothered by marshmallows, you know it can still kill you but its just so soft and sweet hahaha. So we have been doing our best to enjoy the snow to the utmost while it is about.This week it has begun to turn into crunchy not so marshmallowy ice and the roads and footpaths are becoming less and less navigable. Somehow even in the depth of winter they tell me that the snow melts, something I don’t really understand but cool. I think it might be because we are near the water because it certainly doesn’t get particularly warm. Well, that was one of the events, and one we are still enjoying. The other was the earthquake.

Now that in itself is not such a big deal. I have experienced about 6 earthquakes in my 32 years: None that I felt in Australia, one in Mexico and five here. So they are far from uncommon. Nevertheless this one was something very new and different for me. The first was thee magnitude. Though the epicenter was pretty far from here it was a 7.3 magnitude quake. It shook things. Nothing really fell and it was short, thankfully, but it was much bigger than anything I had ever felt before. The other was the young girl who was taking class at the time. She is curious young girl, never speaks to me, she has class with my boss, but has inquisitive eyes and is generally cute. I think she might be ten. Well, she was in class and suddenly sat up and said ‘Yureru’ in a strong clear voice. It made my boss jump up quickly and start looking at things hanging from the roof. At the time I wasn’t sure what was going on but she was watching the hanging decorations to see if they were moving. Neither she nor I could feel anything but she insisted on two more occasions before suddenly the bigger one hit. I didn’t feel a thing but she was so sure, and so clearly correct. Somehow she had felt the tiny pre tremors or something. The word she was saying means to shake o to tremble. It was definitely an experience and was the first time I got to feel a little taste of the kind of terror that and earthquake can induce. No one was hurt here and no damage but it was still adequately scary. Every day here, as in life, I discover a new tidbit of information, another little piece in this immense puzzle we have painted and though some of them are not necessarily the safest of insights to acquire, I still value every last one of them. I think I will keep on wondering and wandering for a while yet. We have many little adventures in the works so I look forward to updating you all son on Ice fishing and much more. Take care all.

Sycamore Maples in the foothills of Akan

Unsurprisingly we were hung over. We’d been invited out to sing karaoke the night before and suddenly it was one in the morning and we were stumbling home. Now don’t get me wrong, we haven’t been out partying every weekend or anything, far from it. Nevertheless it seems that whenever we make grand plans for Sunday we invariably start the day somewhere between groggy and just plain destroyed. Today was no exception and it was a serious force of will to crawl out of the apartment at 11:00am, some three hours later than intended. Just for fun, because we all know it’s a blast, there was a howling gale as well; a head wind of course and we were cycling.

Despite all this about an hour or two into the ride the worst of the hang over had faded and we began to enjoy ourselves. We were still in the city limits but there is something liberating about getting on the bike and getting out of town. Even with the head wind, the hang over and a minor, um, detour due to navigational issues, we were already both smiling by the time we hit the country side and it just got better from there.

Though it took us almost half the journey to find, there is a bike track that winds through the Kushiro marshlands and up into the hills of Akan. On any given Sunday, if the weather isn’t as bad as it was that day, you can find many walkers, joggers and cyclers meandering along the path. I’m not sure if it’s the Sunday, the activity of cycling or just getting out of town but every time we head outside the city limits people seem to be so much friendlier. Almost every passerby waves amicably, meets your gaze and let’s out an enthusiastic “konichiwa”. Though this greeting is far from unheard of in the city it does tend to be more often than not a mumbled response seemingly given almost grudgingly and rarely accompanied by eye contact. Though we didn’t pass many people on this particular day we nevertheless thoroughly enjoyed the ride. We wound through the marsh, over streams and finally met up with and criss-crossed along the length of a river. As we passed out of the marshlands the landscape gave way to green forest of oaks, pipe and the odd splash of the glorious autumn sycamore. The season this year had been unusually warm so the autumn foliage was far from its usual brilliance but for an Australian from the land of the evergreens it was still captivating.

We got into town at almost 4pm. In the end, despite all our hiccups, it was perfect timing as sunset at this time of year is about 4:30. We stopped for a quick bite at a very famous local spot. It’s well renowned throughout Japan and serves both local products and a smattering of international offerings. We ate some warm Oni Giri (rice wrapped in sea weed) and French fries. You may have heard of the place actually, it’s called 7/11…I’m so hilarious. Seriously though it was too late for lunch at a Ramen shop and we still had a couple of kilometers to go before we would reach the hotel so it was quick convenience store food.

The hotel is opposite the Akan International Tancho center. Tancho’s are the Red Cranes that are very famous here. I’ve mentioned them before but they stand about 1.5meters tall have a bold patch on the top of their heads that is bright red. In winter some two or three hundred cranes visit the area behind the center. We didn’t go through it this time though as there are no cranes there and little wildlife but we will be back in winter for sure. The hotel, though quite large and rather modern, still retains many of the more traditional aspects of Japanese culture. The room is a simple square 10 tatami mats in size. A tatami mat is a reed mat 90 *180cm in size. These appeared to be some form of non synthetic material but I couldn’t be sure if they were reeds or not. In the center of the room is a low table surrounded by four cushions. There is hot and cold water in thermoses on the table along with a simple container holding tea, cups, bowls and chopsticks. On the wall are Yukatas which are simple summer robes with ties and folded beneath them are towels. A very small fridge sits in the corner with the TV both looking rather out of place. All the doors and windows are simple sliding doors but very functional. In a large cupboard on the Northern wall there are enough futons and bedding to sleep four people comfortably even in winter. The bathrooms and Onsen (natural hot springs) are both shared. There are two Onsens in the hotel, one on the ground floor and one on the second. The ground floor Onsen is open to the public and seems to get a lot more business than the hotel itself but the upstairs bath is significantly smaller but only for residents at the hotel. Both being a little shy, we were a little uncomfortable about the idea of a Japanese Onsen. Now I am sure you are all aware but a Japanese style Onsen is just like a large hot spring where people come to relax, similar to Australia, but completely naked. You walk into a little changing room, no cubicle or anything just a shared space, strip down to nothing, fold your clothes into a small shelf provided, with your towel, and wander in, starkers, with who ever else happens to be there. Admittedly they do have separate male and female baths, so it doesn’t get THAT weird but it was still a very daunting task for me. We were brave though, donned our yukatas and entered the Onsen…and, as it turned out, there was no one else in there so I had a huge bath in gorgeously relaxing mineral water. I’m still keen to try the outdoor hot springs in winter up in Akan so one way or another I will have to challenge my shyness but I can say that my first experience in a Japanese hot spring was absolutely delightful and incredibly relaxing.

The restaurant was fantastic too. We ate huge amounts of delicious Japanese food and it wasn’t very expensive at all (for Japan). After dinner we collapsed into incredibly comfortable beds that had mysteriously been made while we were eating and slept like logs. The first thing we did when we got back home was to dismantle our bed and almost double our living space.

The next day, after a delicious and filling breakfast that came with the room, we headed into town. It’s a little difficult to describe the town of Akan. It is not very popular as a tourist destination and it doesn’t boast any outstanding features so to speak. There’s a beautiful river on the edge of town and it is surrounded by forested mountains. There’s a wood mill, a few little restaurants and a high school. The town was quiet on Monday. The streets clean but not empty. We passed a few locals here and there but nothing that jumps out at you and says WOW look at me! Nevertheless both Diana and I found ourselves feeling a deep affinity for the town. We even went as far as to send a quick query to our friend that lived here to enquire about how he got the job. I can’t really put my finger on why but the town was delightfully tranquil and left us in a very peaceful state of mind when we finally decided to hit the road.

The way home, though somehow with a head wind again, was much smoother and very relaxing. We got some great shots of interesting sights, Diana didn’t let me up the trail that said something about a bear in red, so we made great time. We got home, rearranged the house, ate food, watched some Japanese anime and slept like angels. It was a fantastic weekend.

the cost of freedom

14000 yen.

That's how much it cost to obtain our freedom. So just to give you all a rough idea of what's that worth in Aussie dollars...about $150.00. Our two brain new (second hand) bikes have changed our lives. In only two days we have discovered more of Kushiro than we had in the last two months and whats more we interacted with more people and had a chance to practice (or at least realize our ineptness) our Japanese. I only wish I had done this on the first week we had arrived...but no use crying over spilled milk. Instead, let me take a moment and reel in the glory of the weekend and our rediscovery of our liberty!

Diana's bike is definitely 'cooler' than my bike. Bright red, those Harley style handlebars and low seat; she definitely looks cooler. It's not a single gear town bike either. It has an internal gearing system, which is kinda cool, and though it is only the three gears she can hold a decent average on it and it is very comfortable. i had to fiddle with mine a little but it is running pretty smooth. It's too small, a shame but something I am just going to have to live with, but according to the four or five bike shops I have been to, they don't get them bigger out this way. Thank god Angus didn't decide to get a job up here.

We headed out of town literally the next day. We thought, since I had done little more exercise than walking about a kilometer to work on a daily basis, to keep it chilled. Yamahana, a small town north of Kushiro, was said to be a good place for the weekend and has a bicycle path all the way there. To be honest, getting there isn't the most mind boggling of experiences. its basically dead flat and marshy tall bamboo grass. There's quite a few farms between Kushiro and Yamahana, which was nice, but no awe inspiring cliff faces or ancient temples. On the the hand, it was fantastic. There were great stretches of path where you could neither hear no see a single car. There were little streams, vegetable plots along the side of the river and we even got to see tancho cranes again (no photos cos they were to far away and came out all blurry but still cool). We also got to see these little mini draft horse dudes. They are definitely not ponies and though you cant see it well in the picture, they remind me exactly of what we used to ask for in D&D when we tried to get our hands on a 1/4 Clydesdale (for those of you didn't know, I was and am a huge nerd who used to not only play but thoroughly enjoy D&D. deal with it :P )

Yamahana...well, there is a a large hot spring resort thing there, and a zoo. We didn't go int the hot springs because honestly we didn't like the look of the place all that much. We will eventually get u the gall to try the Onsen thing out but I think we would both prefer it to be in a cool outdoor spring in more natural settings. So, with a little doubt, we decided to head to kushiro zoo. Well, it was awful. I have to add here that I have never been much of a fan of Zoo's, but even as far as zoo's go it was pretty bad. i don't think anyone really need's to see photos.

Anyway, the ride was fabulous. I think in total we did about 40 or so km and got back pretty worn out. On the way back we stopped at what is probably the absolute highlight of Kuhiro for Diana and I (well me at least but i know she loves them). Dotted through out kushiro, sometimes in completely random places but in at least every 10th or so house is a vegie patch. Along the river though is even better. I am pretty sure they would be flood plans with the thaw and all and so the extra rich nutrients brings locals out to garden. i don't know how exactly it works but there are HEAPS of gardens all along the path. it is a delight to see an on Saturday there are people busily harvesting the vegies of their labour.

The following day, surprisingly fresh and not sore, we headed out again to look for two things I had obtained information about but had never found. One was a little hardware store that sells good quality Japanese knives and the other was a sporting facility that had a rock climbing wall. The first, well, we didn't find it. Or we don't think we did. In about the place where it is marked on our map we found a kitchen shop. It's definitely not a hardware store...but maybe something had been lost in translation. either way it is a very groovy little shop complete with cast iron old school kettles. If we had been rcher, and it had been open, we would have bought one for the folks and sent it to them. But we're not and unfortunately it wasn't open but at least we know where it is and even if it doesn't sell what i am looking for we will be back.

We did find the sports center and it was open though. And it was huge. Mammoth. gigantic and several other large type words. You just would never have expected this place in Kushiro. Unfortunately we didn't take any photos of it's grandeur and epicness so you will have to take my word for it. it's big and flash and well built and has like three stadiums, full size, and a pond the size of a lake and a huge park out the back. It has a massive gym and within the gym, a little rock climbing wall. Quite little in fact. I think maybe three or four people could use it at once. It's very small, really. Still, its there, which is very cool and to add icing to the cake it is cheap. As cheap as the sports center is big! 300 yen, so just under $4, for half a day and that includes gear hire!! awesome!! we don't have a lead climbing license and can't speak enough Japanese to work out how to get one, but they have a small top belaying section that we will definitely be getting in on the action at some point. All in all it was a great day. On the way home we got to pass a floating lumber storage yard. Not sure if I have mentioned this but on a regular basis they float huge rafts of logs up the river (ok so when I say float i mean drag with a tug boat. Don't be so picky.) and by the looks of things this is where they end up. It's very cool (also no pictures cos I forgot to take them).

So that was our two days of exploration and fun. It was really good to be back in the saddle again and i have to say it is like a new lease of life. Now as soon as I find a way of curing myself of this stupid allergy thing and the accompanying exhaustion, learning Japanese and finishing my two books I will be ready to take on my next challenge! Yay!

Anyways, will leave you all with a random photo from the bridge I walk across (now ride) every day on my way to work so you all know just how not bad this crazy adventure they call life is. Keep wondering all!