I stumbled upon these words I wrote for my now wife and thought them worthy of sharing with the world.
I wonder why it is we search for stagnant words to support and define each other when daily we live side by side and share our worlds. Is it fear? Is it perhaps that by stilling the words we make them safer than the reality. Face to face we are forced to confront the complexity that is us directly. We literally have to stare our own weaknesses in the face. With the other there in front of us we struggle vainly to give everything we can. To hide our weaknesses behind the facade of strength. To prove that despite our human frailness we can be everything the other needs. Or is it the feelings themselves?
Perhaps the still words let us hide our fear but it is our very frailty we are trying to hide from. Human beings feel. It seems despite the ludicrousness of it, the senselessness, we are obliged to feel. Working, living, cleaning, counting money, every little breath you share with another builds feelings. Many are harmless. A few are even directly beneficial, not to mention enjoyable. Nevertheless many weigh. Individually they do little harm but overtime they build and collect, pushing you down. And if by chance you are living with someone, those feelings begin to be reflected. Not intentionally, usually, but nevertheless it expounds and exacerbates the situation. The couple begin to lose their rationality amidst a sea of feelings. In time they begin to thrash about, consumed by feeling. They harm those around them, those they care for the most. They do not mean to cause harm but the very nature of feelings cloud our judgment. So perhaps we turn to words as a way to step clear of the fog of emotions. A way to rediscover rationality. But who can really tell....
I turn to words when I am confused. This is not one persons doing, especially not yours my love. Confusion feels like the unavoidable consequence of consciousness. It seems that in time, if we think a little about it, all of it, it is very confusing. And so I, almost instinctively, turn to words. I'm not sure if I ever get any closer to a less confused state, but there is a strange comfort in just writing the words down. The last few days have been very confusing. Full of emotion and fear. Parts of my logical mind leapt upon rationality as the answer. i tried to justify or overcome all the apparent incongruities with reason. I said to myself 'Communicate, the very act itself will logically bring us closer to some form of understanding within this confusion.' It helped in moments. In others it did not. What I did not give sufficient merit too was the of human beings. We are confused, it is not where we end up but where we start. The confusion does not lead to fear or emotions. This is simply what we are. Part of me refuses to abandon the fight but part of me thinks that perhaps through acceptance we may find, at the least, a quieter place. Perhaps the reflection of each others emotions and the magnification of our fears lessen when we accept. Perhaps not.
Nevertheless i want to this meandering reflection of the recent past on a positive note. I have no desire to placate you but I am learning from you every day how important it is to fight. So even if we accept that as complex human beings we are drawn into the drama that is being we can fight to make that drama less like a soap opera. We can fight to find a balance between emotions and and our rationality. I know when I look at you, even when we are angry, that I am a better person with you. I WANT to fight now that you are in my life. I want to strive to make our lives more ours and less theirs. With you in my life i think not only can I do it but its worth doing. My facebook says 'The world is not well but wellness lingers yet' let us strive together to find the good that remains and do all we can to protect and foster it, no matter the outcome.
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